I'm laying in your front yard are you home
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize