You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
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