i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
