remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Randomize
