she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
