I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
