Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
Randomize
