You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
That accounts for only three of the penises
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
