I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
