This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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