Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
