The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
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