ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Randomize
