lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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