i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
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