i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
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