he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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