can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
It's official drugs can't kill me
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Randomize
