I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
