I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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