The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize
