Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
