and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Randomize
