Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
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