She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Success! We fucked roommates!
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
