I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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