Princesses don't give blow jobs
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
