he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Randomize