What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
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