I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
