dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
