Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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