I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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