Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Randomize
