I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
