God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
