I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Randomize
