SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Randomize
