Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
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