I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Randomize
