is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Randomize
