on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
