Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Randomize
