Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Randomize