You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
where are you?
Hypothermia
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
