My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Someone shattered a urinal.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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