I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
