I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
