Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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