I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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