I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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