I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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