i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Randomize
