tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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