I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
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