OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
